Six likely reasons you’re alone

From day to day I see all sorts of people about a broad range of sex and relationship issues.  I do therapy.  In my practice, because of my eclectic background and training, this includes a wide range of “interventions.”

One thing I generally don’t do is “give advice.” People’s real issues are rarely so simple and easy to answer. But people want them to be simple, so they still ask.

One of the most common questions I get from women is, “Why can’t I seem to find (or find and keep) that special someone?”  The question is usually followed by some words of self-explanation, a common-sense rationalization to explain “why I am alone.”

We humans seem by nature to be compelled to figure things out. We want to understand why things are the way they are and why they aren’t the way we wish they were or hope they might be. It’s hard for us to not have an answer.

I recently read a refreshingly frank and perceptive article by Tracy McMillan. She’s a TV writer, not a therapist.  Taking on the topic “Why You’re Not Married” she has come up with six likely reasons: 1) You’re a bitch; 2) You’re shallow; 3) You’re a slut; 4) You’re a liar; 5) You’re selfish; and/or 6) You’re not good enough.

McMillan is no misogynist and what she has to say is no self-help column drivel.  She has looked squarely at her own life and observed the lives of women around her. What she means by each of her six reasons is likely not what you think.  Her explanations are, I believe, more perceptive than not.  Perhaps more importantly, they are always thought-provoking.

McMillan’s real purpose seems to be to get women to think in a new, more deeply honest way.  She wants to shake off the easy answers, those rationalizations that make it more or less okay to not be okay with being single.

Treat yourself to a good read. I’d love to hear your feedback. You can post it here for all to read, or send it to me privately and in confidence at .

Here’s Tracy McMillan’s “Why You’re Not Married.”

2 Responses to Six likely reasons you’re alone

  1. Prolifique says:

    Wow – thanks for directing me to a fantastic article. It really made me think. I’ve been divorced for 5 years. My ex husband remarried and I don’t a boyfriend. Right now. But yes, I can see how much I can work on myself. Whew – still shaking my head with that hard hitting article.

  2. kat says:

    I have been left without a “REAL” intimate relationship for…over 8 byears now.
    The last attempt at relationship, is as he calls it…” the best and longest rebound relationship ever”, either of us has ever had.
    Friendship and honesty is the basis, and survived the attempted relationship suicide, when trust was tested and sexual intimacy were removed.

    As my best friend, so succinctly pointed out, I never am attracted to truly availble, (emotionally or socially) men. They are all married (lying about it) or emotionally damaged and unable to return my affection (as in previous marriage to Mr. Spock!)

    And I don’t know how to cure myself… except to weed out liars, and pretenders with research, and to hold myself to standards… married need not apply!
    But, putting myself out and availble is getting harder… if not impossible.
    I don’t trust my judgment. I have been SO wrong, and suffered for years because I believed the lies I was told.
    I am becoming a hermit.
    I’d rather be alone, than discover another deception…
    I have been learning to be happy by and with myself… but even that gets set back by every social, emotional upheaval (like unemployment)

    Am I destined to be an eccentric cat/bag lady?
    Talking to myself, and only having an intimate relationship with my Drawer Boy??

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